Calling All Angels

12 Weeks

2012-03-08T12:21:00.000-07:00

How far along? 12 Weeks
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: Trying to get comfy has become a little harder this week. I am a tummy sleeper and its starting to hurt laying on my tummy.
Miss Anything? Planning a meal. I cant plan ahead more than what I'm eating in that moment. It never fails that if I do try to plan that's the only thing that makes me want to puke when it comes time to eating it.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Cereal in the morning and PB&J for lunch. But again if I plan ahead and make myself a sandwich for work- once I'm there that sandwich makes me want to puke. Weird.
Anything making you queasy or sick: That changes from moment to moment but right now what always makes me want to run to the bathroom is the thought of Chick-fil-a... I was violently ill after eating that a couple weeks ago and I have never fully recovered.
Gender: Ryan = GIRL
Kendra = BOY
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Its funny because with Kenzie I didn't really have many symptoms but with this one, I am like a pregnancy book- everything that could happen is happening. So yes. All the same- sick, tired, uncomfortable, boobs hurt, gas pain, bowl changes, no energy... Doesn't pregnancy sound sexy?
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: You know after starting my little thing where I wake up everyday and tell myself I will be happy and have a good day has really made a difference. Even when I'm sick. No matter the random symptom. No matter if I fart in public. I am happy. I am happy to be where I am and I am happy for what is to come.
Looking forward to: Almost done with the 1st trimester!!!

This week I passed the 200 day mark. We are under 200 days until this baby comes into this world. I cant even explain how excited I am. We have been trying to figure out what day to go to a place called fetal foto and find out the sex of the baby. They can tell around week 15 what you are going to have. We went with Kenzie at 16 weeks and it was actually really cool. They put the baby on a big screen in front of you and spend a good amount of time letting you watch the baby move all over and hear the heart beat. We are so excited to go again with this baby but we are having trouble knowing when to go. We want both our parents there and we want to have a gender reveal party after. So trying to get every ones schedules lined up has been a little hard. But we are thinking the first week of April. So not this month but that's okay.
As for taking some medicine for my nausea my doctor said he wanted to hold off since its not so bad that its effecting my weight gain. I am able to keep enough down that this baby is definitely growing. I have been taking some Bvitamin and some unisom but I don't think that's helping. I have also had to have most of my other meds changed so I am figuring out when the best time to take those is and as of this last week I think its at night time. Seems to be helping some. I am on medication for my thyroid which is all messed up as well as for my depression and anxiety. The stuff I was on pre-pregnancy isn't good for the baby after the 3 trimester so they switched me now which is the same as with Kenzie. They switched things around then as well. Then I am on those ferret iron pills and prenatal so I am maxed out with pills. I am doing my best to just relax and keep calm. Obviously I am ready to fall off the edge :)
Happy Day to be at week 12.
Cant wait for the next 28 weeks.

Race to Happiness

2012-03-06T17:44:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in a place in your life you felt like you were always chasing happiness?
I have. Most of my life. Its always been something that well when this happens then ill be happy. Or well when I finally finish this or get that job or quit that job or have a baby or move or run a 5k... then ill be happy. It becomes exhausting because its a race that is never ending. You get to where you thought you were going. What was suppose to make you happy and then you realize you're still not happy. So you keep running. For that next thing that will make you happy.
I can honestly say there was 1 time in my life I was actually happy. In life. With my life. In that moment. I always said it was because I knew my time was limited because I was going back to work but maybe it was God helping me because he knew my time was limited with her life.
After I had that little girl.
From the moment she was born. In the hospital. At home. On everyone of those doing nothing but sitting and watching each other days. Those sitting in the sun while I ate lunch and she got some fresh air. Those walks. Those late nights. Those early mornings. Those trips to the grocery store. That feeling of being able to say "Yes she is mine". Story time. Bath time. Every smile. Every snuggle. Every time she slept. Every movement. That girl was complete bliss. I had never imagined what real happiness was until I lived it every second with her. I remember on several occasions sitting there. Watching her. Thinking- seriously I would be okay if tomorrow never comes. I am so perfectly happy right now. I didn't wish for more. For the first time ever. I wasn't in a race to find happiness. I held it in my arms and I soaked it all in.
The moment we knew Kenzie was not going to leave that hospital alive was when that perfect, immediate happiness went out the window. I definitely was able to find it in moments. She totally gave it to me. I can tell you some of the greatest moments in my entire life- even above when she was home and "healthy" was in those early mornings. I was still in a fog from the little sleep the night before, I was trying to get my things together for shift change but I would stand beside her bed. She was always awake. Wide awake. I would talk to her. Smile at her. I would kiss her face and hands and tummy and legs. I would straighten her leggings. I would prop her toys and blankets to make sure she was super comfy. Then I would ask her. "Are you ready to go home to God today Kenzie?" and every one of those days that I knew she would tell me NO if she could gave me that perfect immediate happiness. Because I knew I had one more day. One more day to look into her eyes. One more day to touch her skin. To feel her toes and fingers. To try and get her to smile. To try and make some kind of memory. To give her some bit of happiness. To love on her the very best I could. Those moments in the morning when I knew my daughter wasn't going to die today gave me a the simplest happiness I could have ever learned.
I hate to say that simple happiness, that immediate joy hasn't been around since she left. I'm back to racing. Racing for what will make me happy. For the first year it wasn't a baby. The second year it was a baby. and now here I am. Learning to find that happiness in whatever stage I maybe in. Learning to be happy for other people. I feel like I am doing better than I have in the past. Stopping and seeing life.
Its so hard sometimes. I find myself in this hole of just wanting everything that's not.
Wanting Makenzie is the biggest obstacle.
Not that I will never not want her, but this wanting is unrealistic. Its so deep and its overwhelming. It consumes my every thought. It makes it hard to really enjoy and thank God for this new life coming into our lives. Believe me I am so anxious. I cant wait for this part of our life to begin again. Loving this new life. It will be amazing. but I guess the hurt and the missing Makenzie is just extra strong right now.
I think its another one of those firsts that you have to go through after a loss. Even though its been 2 years. This is the first time I have actually accepted that there is going to be a new life in our family. With Gracie I honestly wouldn't let myself think about much. I was so numb to everything else going on in life and then when that little one came along the feelings of fear were much more powerful than any feeling of hope, joy or even missing. Not many people in our life knew about her. We didn't know how to process things. We didn't know what to say to people until we could answer the questions we knew they would ask first off. Will this baby be sick to? We wanted to be able to say yes or no. We wanted answers for ourselves and once we had those answers. It wasn't long after that we lost Gracie. There was no time to find that joy or excitement or even experience the missing of Makenzie. Now with this one. Its a whole new set of emotions.
What I want right now is to stop running. Stop chasing the next thing that will make me happy. I have a good life. I have so many blessings and things to be grateful for. Its not that I don't see that. I guess its just learning to be happy with this. With the big things and the little things. There doesn't need to be some big life changing thing to make the difference. What I have is all that I need.
For the last few days I have put into my mind that I will be happy today. No matter what. I will do it.
I wake up and tell myself what a good day it will be. I tell myself things Ill get done and things ill do to relax. I talk to Makenzie.
I think about Ryan.
I think about this baby.
I see that what I have is pretty great. I see that happiness doesn't have to have be a lot of effort.
It can be that simple. Immediate. Seeing what you DO have that can make all the difference.
It doesn't take a lot but it take some. It takes wanting to see it as well.
I am so not there. Happy as a clam all the time. but I'm working on it. I want this baby to see happiness all the time. I want them to know what happiness is. Pure joy.
I don't want them to be chasing it.

11 Weeks

2012-03-01T18:10:00.000-07:00

How far along? 11 Weeks
Maternity clothes? No but my favorite thing to wear is my sweat pants right now.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Horrid nightmares have lessened this week. But I am having a hard time getting comfy and falling asleep. I am afraid of the next 29 weeks.
Best moment this week: Today. March 1st. We will find out the sex of the baby this month.
Miss Anything? Feeling Normal.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Still no consistent food. It changes every second. Usually nothing sounds good but I'm always hungry.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still so so sick. I have been taking the B6 and unisom like my doctor told me and so far its not helping. I found out the other day that I am anemic so they put me on some iron pills and ill tell you right now I hate those pills. Its almost like an instant puke pill. I have yet to keep it down. I have tried taking it in the morning, midday, night, with or without food. Nothing is helping.
Gender: Ryan = GIRL
Kendra = BOY
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: My stomach and pretty much whole body just aches from puking. My boobs are huge and sore. I am farting like a chubby man eating beans. My emotions are a complete mess. Yes I think I am pregnant.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I have had a rough week emotionally. Been having a really hard time with things just not being what I imagined. Guess ill never learn to just let life happen and stop planning and expecting.
Looking forward to: Reaching the second trimester and hopefully starting to feel a bit better.

Man you would think life is horrible with how much I complain. Guess I should be clear that no matter how sick I could ever feel I know it could be much worse. I am so thankful for being able to be sick, have these crazy hormones and watch this changing body. I am so very lucky and I don't let a day go by without thanking God for giving us this gift. I hope no one ever thinks I ever feel anything less than complete joy when I think of this life. Makenzie's little brother or sister. No matter how hard things will be because ill be honest-- its not going to be all rainbows and sprinkles. This is a life after a big loss and that is not easy. But we wouldn't change this for the world.

Cookbooks

2012-02-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

These cookbooks were started in August 2011. Ryan and I knew we were going to need some help with how our family grew and at the time we just were not sure how we would go about doing it. Adoption was the first thing that came to mind. We started in on the process, started classes and about a month into it we felt like that just wasn't the right thing for us to do right at that time. During that process however we had already started the... Live, Laugh, Cook... cookbooks. We asked everyone that could to please submit a recipe. We got over 600 recipes submitted from all over the world. Most came from all areas in the US but it is just amazing to see all the amazing dishes and different ways to make them. All the amazing people that submitted a recipe are mostly people we have never even met. They are our friends through this blog.

After we decided adoption wasn't the right path right now we started looking into a sperm donor. I was more apprehensive than Ryan which was a total shock not only for me but for a lot of people. It didn't take to long before we both just knew this was the right path for us and we should continue down it.

After a lot of research and going through hundreds of donors we finally found the perfect one.

We started the IUI process and the first 2 rounds didn't work.

But lucky #3 did.

We were implanted December 27th 2011

Found out we were pregnant January 8th 2012

Baby is due September 20th 2012

Through this whole process we have still been diligently selling these cookbooks. I have to tell you these medical costs are not cheap but they sure are worth it. These cookbooks are just a way to help. The amount of support has been overwhelming and we are forever grateful to all who have purchased one and for all who might in the future. Not only does the sales of these cookbooks help us- they are pretty amazing and you will love them so much.

600+ recipes.

Tons of different cooking tips.

We are always trying new recipes in our house and I'm telling you they are all so yummy!

If you are interested in ordering a cookbook you can place your order to the right side of my blog. There is a link that takes you to Pay pal. They are $20 each which includes shipping but if you buy more you can save. We have tracking numbers on all the orders so if you don't have your order within 3 weeks make sure you email me so I can either track it down for you or send you a new one.

Thank you all so so much again for all the endless support!

Have a wonderful day!

10 Weeks

2012-02-24T14:25:00.001-07:00

How far along? 10 Weeks- DOUBLE DIGETS- WHOO HOO!
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I am so sleepy all the time. Which could be because of the pregnancy or it could be because I hate going to bed at night. Every single night I have the absolute worse nightmares so my mind is just to afraid to go to sleep and I end up staying up far to late watching FRIENDS re-runs.
Best moment this week: Seeing this little baby on the ultrasound.
Miss Anything? Feeling normal.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: The only thing that has calmed my tummy this week is lemonade.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Everything. Seriously Everything.
Gender: Ryan = GIRL
Kendra = BOY
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: My boobs feel like they have gained 10 lbs each. They hurt sooo bad. I have bad gas pains and still utterly nauseous.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Starting to ease off the extreme moodiness.
Looking forward to: Finding out the sex of the baby in a couple weeks.

I got a new due date people...
September 20 2012
So its only a 2 day difference but believe me- 2 days is a big deal in my book. Any amount of time closer to meeting this little muffin is just a dream. I simply cant wait.

intense

2012-02-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

When this baby comes in September it will be nearly 3 years since I have been a "MOM". How is that even possible. It seriously seems like ill be a born again Mom virgin. I will tell you right now I am rather fearful. Not only do I feel I have forgot everything I started to learn with Makenzie but I now have to add the aspect that I am a Mom who has lost a child. Which I can see making one even more over protective/ controlling/ crazy. and lets face it. I have pretty much maxed out ones level in all 3 of those areas just by being me.
So this baby. I am really worried about. What kind of life will they even have? Will they have a life? I can definitely see myself finding some kind of bubble to incubate him in and refusing to ever let the zipper undone. He will see hear and speak NO EVIL.
Oh poor little fetus. I really feel for you.
Ryan was coming home from work the other day and nearly hit this poor child who lives in our neighborhood. He is the cutest little thing and seriously he is little. and always outside alone. In the summer we are very cautious and aware of the kids running around but in the winter its not as often when we see the wee ones running around in the freezing cold. Ryan firmly declared our kids wont be allowed to play outside alone. No matter how old they are. So immediately I thought of my 15 year old son who wants to ride his bike with friends and me- his mother- jumping right behind since we would of course have a tandem if that's the case.
I mean seriously my childhood days were spent running wild at the local drug park. I lived in the hood after all. I can recall several "dealings" going down, I was caught in the middle of more than 1 drive by shooting in my front yard and I witnessed 1 home invasion (literally the entire thing. You could see into these peoples house from my bedroom window and I was the one who had to call the cops at like 2am as they were held with knives... But I knew that if you minded your bees wax you were left alone and that life was not scary to me. Ryan was raised in the hood that was a step up from my hood. He would leave in the morn and come home before dark. Running freely and never having a care or someone to check in with. I am telling you it wasn't that long ago that we were kids. I mean it was just recently. The world isn't that much worse since we were young. There was all the same crime and EVIL lurking at every corner. So why are we now the ones who is like...
"Our kids will never go outside alone.." along with hundreds of other NEVER's we have come up with that we ourselves once did.
You want to know a NEVER I remember telling myself when life was just not fair and I was told that horrid word of NO? I remember saying-- I will never be some OLD mom who forgets what its like to be a kid. I mean at the ripe old age of 12 I was certain I had lived life. I knew what was out there. I had seen things no one else had seen! I mean come on. I was practically an adult. Life is not how it was way back when my MOM was that age. She doesn't know anything. I shouldn't have a curfew. I shouldn't be told NO when I want to hang at some random boys house who is quite the rebel, but in a good way you know.

I sit here and seriously feel bad for fetus. Who will in only 209 days be BABY... and who in approximately 4,954 days will become a TEENAGER. Lord help me. That is not near enough time for me to figure all this out and learn to be a perfect balance of COOL mom and total shielder of all things EVIL in this world mom.
I mean what if I have to discipline? GASP. I know my child needing to be disciplined? Probably never going to happen--- but what if?
Ill keep it real and tell you that I am one to believe that a tap on the tush cant hurt. I was spanked. I was what some would call "beat" and I have learned what I think is right and wrong when it comes to disciplining a child in that sense. Now don't go blowing up my comments with telling me I am a horrible person for even saying I would spank a kid. I'm not saying I would or would not. I'm just saying I don't think it will be ruled out and NEVER done. and I will say there is a HUGE difference between a "spank" and being "hit". I think too many people get that very confused and don't do the right thing. I don't believe a child should ever be spanked if you are not in control of yourself. That's what will lead to hitting which then becomes abuse. and believe me I understand that. There will never be abuse in my home. and that is a NEVER that will never change.

... besides I am standing firm that I will never need to worry about the discipline issue because my kid would NEVER do something that would ever warrant a spank because they will be perfect.
They will be one of those kids that come home and immediately finish homework, help around the house, ask mom if she needs a glass of water. ask pa if he needs help chopping wood and then if all that is done we will sit down as a family and play a little chess or get a little crazy and play charades.
I think it will be the cool thing to be best friends with your Mom and Dad. From birth to age 102.
We will do everything together!
When they fill out the MASH form and list who their BFF is... It will always say Mom.
Ill buy us matching friendship bracelets.
We will have a special language that only we know.
We will stay up late and toilet paper our own house! then we will wake up early and clean it up before Pa wakes- oh it will be amazing.
.... okay wait... am I the only one who is a little creeped out by what I just said? I guess that is weird. Maybe I don't really want to be that bestest of friends with my kid. I mean I want them around. all the time. I never want them to even think of the word hate or dislike and ME in the same thought. I really just want to have them LOVE me forever and think of me as the most incredible person in the entire world and worship the ground I walk on. but then again I am not so out of touch with being a parent that I don't remember what my job really entails. and that isn't being a friend. sigh. this parenting stuff is tough. and fetus isn't even past its first trimester! at least we will be best friends until he is like 5 right?! maybe even a little longer depending how fast he make friends! He might be a little nerdy so we can be bestest nerdy friends.
BUT WAIT... I have a solution for that. My mom taught me how to make friends. and she would kill me for ever speaking of this but its one that the whole world must know because it might help you.
It was long ago.
I was in Kindergarten.
It was I believe week 2, and I had NO friends. I was a loner. I was sad. a sad little blond haired goofy looking kid who no one would share a crayon with. tear.
well my mom came to pick me up from school one day and asked if i had made any friends yet. I shook my head and hung it in shame as we walked out of the school yard. I think she was tired of being my BFF so she was determined to find me a find a new one and FAST.
Just then this helpless little blond haired girl goes running past and my mom grabbed her by the backpack and yanked her back so vigorously and yelled... WHATS YOUR NAME? like a creep and all! The girl totally afraid for her life whispered "sara". I was in complete shock that my mom was physically assaulting this girl when I look over and her PARENTS are standing feet away pretty much with their mouths wide open in shock as well. I'm telling you people it was a sight to see.
Well my mom unhooked her death grip on that backpack and the girl scampered off to her parents.
It may seem like the most horrific day of that poor Sara's life but ill tell you she was from that moment on my BFF. (well until I had to switch schools a few years later and we lost contact)
but the moral of the story is I know how to make friends for my nerdy kid!

So who knows what ill be like. I'm going to sit back and just enjoy him being in my tummy right now. After all I am his bestest friend now and I can do no wrong in his little fused eyes.

PS. How do you spell blond? Does that sound like something a blond would say? ha. I have always spelled it blonde- but spell check just informed me that was wrong. BLOND. Just doesnt look right.

9 WEEKS

2012-02-19T18:13:00.002-07:00

How far along? 9 Weeks
This question started asking about weight gain... Sorry but I am so self conscious about this as it is.. I don't really want to tell the world that I'm turning into a whale :) Although that number is still none. I know its going to go up soon and fast and I just don't want that to be a focus for this pregnancy at all so I'm taking it out :) Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I am pretty sleepy most of the time. I could nap which I haven't done since I was pregnant with Kenzie and I dread going to sleep at night because every night this last week I have been having horrible nightmares.
Best moment this week: Just remembering the incredible little life growing inside me.
Miss Anything? Not being sick
Movement: None.
Food cravings: No actual cravings. I pretty much just eat anything that doesn't make me want to puke. Sometimes its been cream of wheat sometimes its been a mango other times its been a twinkie.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Pretty much whatever I just got finished eating.
Gender: Ryan = GIRL Kendra = BOY
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Nauseous.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty dang moody.
Looking forward to: Doctors apt this week and hearing that heartbeat.

--- Breathing update. Its actually gotten better. Its definitely still there and gets really bad when I do housework or eat or talk to much. but its definitely much MUCH better! Thank Heavens. ----

Post Valentines

2012-02-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

So let me tell you about our special LOVE day... We both worked. I got home around 6:30ish and Ryan was busy making dinner. STEAK. That's right people pretty much my most favorite thing in the world. We gobbled up the deliciousness and then cuddled on the couch while watching tv. We got some special visitors who dropped of some treats which turned into our dessert. Oh how sweet they are. After they left I didn't feel so well. I kept telling Ryan was going to cry if I threw up that dinner because it was so good. I decided to get in the bath to see if that helped. Apparently that just boiled the food in my tummy helping the projectile vomit be all that more powerful. Do you know whats worse than throwing up a super yummy valentines dinner? Having to then clean it up after because you didn't get to the toilet in time. Oh joy! So I cried. Ryan laughed. He gave me a lime Popsicle which I have learned calms my tummy. and we fell asleep.
It was somewhat romantic. Ended in misery.
But really nothing is better than any amount of time with the husband.

Happy Valentines to Everyone!

PS. Its been a day and of course my mind is a little clearer. I re-read my 8 week post and wanted to make sure what I said didn't come out wrong. I tend to do that. My words get jumbled and they come out being everything I didn't want to say. Anyway. Ryan and I have absolutely no doubts if we made the right choice using a sperm donor. This was the way we felt was best and the right way for us to get a SMARD free child here. I am thankful for our donor. I am thankful that for whatever reason he choose to become one. It is because of him that I am puking my guts out and honestly loving almost every second of it. I am thankful to have even had this option. I am nervous about telling this baby down the road but like so many of you reminded me--- a sperm donor is just that. ANYONE can be a sperm donor. But its someone special that actually makes a Father. Ryan has already proven this. The amount of love he has for this baby is more than I could ever dream. I shouldn't ever worry because that is all that matters. I will tell you right now I believe that with my whole heart. He is ours. I do hope this baby looks like Ryan. Some of my favorite features with Makenzie were the ones she got from Ryan. She was the perfect blend. and this baby may not be Ryan's biologically but in the big picture, the biological stuff just doesn't matter. This child was created for us. For Ryan and I. They were going to be ours no matter what. I have so many fears for this little life...
but I don't fear if this child will be loved.
I don't fear if they will be wanted.
I don't fear if they will be given a life they deserve.
Thanks again friends for helping me see what is real and what is just my mind being silly.

...Love...

2012-02-14T16:32:00.000-07:00

*kendra to the left. ryan to the right. kenzie right in the middle*

So much to LOVE.

Couldn't finish the day without listing a few.

.....

ice water in my tumbler

the smell of lemons

bubble baths

a clean dog

a clean husband

ryans haircut

ryans cooking

nieces

nephews

sisters

brothers

parents

grandparents

angels

a full tank of gas

harley snuggles

bobby pins

popcycles

fetal foto

gender prediction kits

cookbooks

cardboard boxes

vacuums

kenzies blanket

the ability to work

the ability to get an education

freedom

new earrings

bubble tea

mcdonalds (i know but esp now its so very appealing)

blogging

toilets

toilet paper

car washes

avocados

steaks

making plans

dreaming of vacations

friends.best friends

strangers that smile at you

simple acts of kindness

food in our house

medicine

an amazing ob

heaven

what life will be in 220 days

technology

cute baby clothes

supportive people

life

the ability to breathe

laughing

any amount of time spent with husband

having a partner

having a future with him

knowing he will always mine

side by side

8 Weeks

2012-02-14T12:35:00.003-07:00

How far along? 8 Weeks
Total weight gain: None.
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I wish I could sleep all day and night. I am exhausted.
Best moment this week: Making it a total of 4 days without puking. That is all a distant memory now.
Miss Anything? Not puking. Being able to keep food down.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Pretty much changes from second to second. No cravings just what doesn't make me instantly run to the bathroom with my hand over my mouth.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Everything. Even things that are not food. The thought of glass cups the other day almost made me lose it. I can only drink out of hard plastic cups.
Gender: For some reason Ryan is all the sudden thinking GIRL. Where did that come from?! I think its because he really really wants a boy so he is preparing himself for a GIRL. I am 100% certain its a boy. I just have a strong feeling. I will probably throw up in excitement if it turns out to be a GIRL.
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: My belly has started to protrude. Its scaring me considering I'm only 8ish weeks. Literally there is a belly. and my boobs hurt worse than they ever did when I had a child latched on day and night. Seriously I am in pain people. Oh and did I mention I'm sick and puke a lot.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: The uncontrollable MOOD SWINGS have kicked on to an all time high. Happy- Sad- Angry- Uncomfortable- Lonely- Overwhelmed- Annoyed... poor poor Ryan. He is looking for somewhere to crash for the next 7 months. Its not looking good.
Looking forward to: Getting past the first trimester in hopes the sickness will ease.

Like I said... I am an emotional mess. So over the moon happy this baby is coming and is ours forever to absolute hysterics because all I really want is Makenzie. I am then hysterical apologizing to this baby for not showing them the love the deserve and that I really do want them and that I just miss their sister. This past week the emotions of this child being from a sperm donor has been extremely emotional. I think I have mentioned this before but Ryan has always been so confident and positive about this. Knowing this child is HIS. No ifs ands or buts. He has been so good about it and honestly going through all the IUI's and getting pregnant so was I. I have felt so good about it all. Knowing this was the right choice. Over the past week its not that I regret our choices because I absolutely don't. This child was so meant to come to us this way and this was the only way we could get them to us healthy. but the feelings of how will we tell them and when will we tell them? The thoughts of how will we do this again? The fear that maybe at some point Ryan will have some concerns or worries. Its been weird talking about what this baby might look like. I keep catching myself from saying things like-- Oh I pray he has your nose or butt or hair color... Whatever it might be. I fully believe this child will be a mini replica of Ryan (if its a boy). I can only imagine Ryan's little partner. There is no doubt about that. But the fear in the back of my mind is oozing out with my added pregnancy hormones. It gets exhausting and overwhelming. I would love to hear from anyone of you that might have used a sperm or even an egg donor. Did you ever have similar fears or concerns. How have you decided and when to tell your child? I don't want it to be a big deal because its not. Its very simple. Its very matter of fact. There is no other Daddy somewhere- Ryan will be the name on that birth certificate. I just don't want it to be something that later down the road when it does come out that they feel I was hiding something from them. I have been very open about it with friends and family and its now all over the internet. Never have I thought it would be a secret. I know I have a lot of time to think about this but its on my mind now. So if y'all have advice. I would so much appreciate it!

Kenzie Day #26

2012-02-13T22:14:00.000-07:00

Really I hated writing the title of this post.

26.

How has it been so long since my muffin went to heaven?

and that number is only going to get bigger.

I want to just freeze time. Go back. Back to her. That feeling will never go away. I hate that.

I miss her.

Kenzie Day #26 was Valentine themed dinner and a heart attack.

The kids all made hearts and valentines to give someone they know a "heart attack". If you don't know what that is--- Its where you put lots of hearts all over someones door step and leave. Its suppose to be a little anonymous act of kindness to brighten someones day. The kids ended up writing their names on everything so their heart attacks will not be so anonymous. But that's okay.

Hopefully it will make someones day.

Happy Kenzie Day my little Muffin. I hope you are having an amazing day in heaven. You know its 2 of your aunts birthdays today. 1 of them is in heaven with you. I bet you guys are having a wild party as she turned the big 35! I can only imagine who she would be. I hate thinking how long its been since I have seen her. How much I miss her. How much I pray she is happy. I can only imagine you 2 girlies. I'm sure she is showing you the best ways to live. She could bring a smile to any ones face. I am thankful and comforted when I know she is taking care of you. I know she will keep you happy. She will give you all those kisses and hugs I long to give you. She will tell you about me. She will tell you about your Daddy. She is full of good. She is full of beauty. Give her Happy Birthday kisses. Tell her how much I love her and how I have missed her so much these last 15 years. Tell her I am honored that she has you. Kenzie please hold me close. I need you. I am having a hard time. Missing you so very much. Wishing you were in my arms. Makenzie Rye I love you. I love every inch of you. What I wouldn't give to have one more day with you. I would hold you close to my body. Feel you breath. Smell you. Kiss you. I would give everything for just 1 more day.

Happy Heaven Day my Love.

Happy Birthday Donette.

and to my other incredible sister who I couldn't imagine not having in my life here on earth--

Happy Happy Birthday. I am thankful for you and for all those hundreds of times you have saved me.

Wedding Bliss

2012-02-13T21:35:00.000-07:00

Baby brother got married - again -

Jonathan and his beautiful wife were married in Vegas last year and this year they were married in the LDS Temple. This was a day that took a full year to plan. They went all out and it turned out perfect.

Now those kids are living it up in Europe. Seriously!

How is it that I spent my honeymoon in Tropic UT and they are spending Valentines Day in Paris?!

Maybe our 10 year anniversary we will do something like that :)

Leggings Pattern

2012-02-13T16:05:00.002-07:00

I am so sorry to everyone that has emailed me about the leggings pattern that I have not responded to. I am overwhelmed with the support you are all showing. I will respond to you as soon as I get a chance but I wanted to get this pattern posted so you all have it. Now if you have a different pattern that you like better, great! They can be different. I have a couple different ones I want to try out that look super super cute. Okay so here it is...

Baby Legs

Step 1. Find a fun pair of knee high socks. I buy all mine fromTarget.

Step 2. Cut off the heels and toes like so. 

Step 3. Discard the heel & toes.

Step 4. Using the lower foot piece turn them inside each otherwrong sides together. This will be the bottom cuffs. 

Step 5. Now just place the leg pieces into each cuff like so. 

Step 6. Then sewaround using zig zag stitch. Make sure you sew all 3 layers. That is where Imake all my errors.

Step 7. Turn them out the right way and you have a new pair ofleggings or armlings. 

Are these not theeasiest, cutest things ever?! They are soperfect for all those little kiddos at the hospital and we would love tocollect as many as possible. It can be a little tricky the first few times youmake them --- okay lets face it I have made hundreds and still have a littletrouble at time --- but once you get the hang of it, they are so much fun.
Like I said there are tons of other patterns online. If these don't make sense or you want to make a different pattern that is NO problem. If you don't want to sew them that's fine as well. Send them to me and ill get them done!
We have hundreds thousands more to collect so if you can help in anyway we will be forever grateful.
Remember all leggings are being donated to the children's hospital in honor of Makenzie.
For the address to send them to please email me and I will respond ASAP.

PS- I still have TONS of cookbooks. If you know anyone that would like one please give them the information. We have so many more to sell and I would love to share so many fun, yummy recipes with you all. They are from all over the world!

Picture Review

2012-02-13T15:36:00.000-07:00

The last 2 months in pictures.

Random.

Life has been a bit crazy but we are enjoying it the best we can every step of the way.

In no particular order

...

. lots of visits with the Mini, always something new .

. projects on the house- Ryan will improvise on how to get things done .

. snow storms and sundance .

. harley vs. the mini .

. new years .

. harley is getting older .

. considered moving to wyoming, decided not right now .

. new niece .

. first present for the baby .

. dance recitals .

. er visits .

. lunch dates .

. nap time .

. packing up our house which means playing on all those toys that have been put away .

. superbowl .

. endless hours in the bath .

. gender predictor clearly telling us we are having a BOY .

. movies .

Like I said we have been very busy. Some of those BIG decisions I have hinted about the past couple months have all pretty much been made. We were thinking about moving to Wyoming- going there looking at places but ultimately decided it wasn't the right time. Decided we are still going to be moving but we will be staying here in Utah for the time being. Ryan's starting school. I'm starting once again. I was all signed up for the spring semester but the move to Wyoming was looking pretty serious and if we went we would be going quick so I decided to wait and see where we are in the next couple months to decide what to do. This pregnancy is so completely different than with Makenzie which leaves me convinced this is going to be a little boy. I am sick- all the time. I still cant breathe and I am already starting to gain that belly. Ryan is busy at work. I am busy packing. Moving in was so much easier than moving out. I'm exhausted which leave me feeling pretty worthless around the house. Maybe sometime soon ill get that energy back. I do remember this with Kenzie. We are selling Ryan's truck. We have finally got it where its almost a brand new truck and we go and sell it. Guess that's how it always happens :) Lots of changes. Lots of improvements. Lots of things to look forward to.

Happy Days!

no fairytales

2012-02-07T12:28:00.002-07:00

No lie...
I have now written 4 blog posts because I simply am not making any sense when writing.
I have been having a rough week. The regular pregnancy stuff is kind of annoying but I am not complaining. I feel like the all day sickness isn't as bad this week. I haven't thrown up the past 4 days now so in that sense I'm doing better and my breath smells fresher. I am still having troubles in the breathing area but thanks to you all and your awesome advice I think its something that just comes with pregnancy that I'm not used to and ill learn to live with it. My OB isn't to worried because its not getting worse. Its just not getting better. So he thinks its just all the hormone changes and told me to just relax whenever possible and limit to much activity where my heart rate increases as it makes it harder for me to catch my breath. We are hoping it eases with time but if not... As long as this baby is healthy I don't care.
The hardest part about this past week and well the past couple weeks is how much I am missing Makenzie.
I have said it a hundred times on this blog and about a million more times to myself but I have somewhere along the line convinced my heart that this baby was going to fix alot of the hurt I have. I think its more just my way of dealing and trying to make it seem like... when this happens then you will be happy... when all actuality that is not true. I know this child will bring mass amounts of joy into my life. I can only imagine how much more my heart will grow. How I feel about them already is unreal. but they are not fixing it. They are not my Makenzie. They will add to my life but they are not going to be filling in the holes. As much as I keep telling myself that, its like my heart doesn't want to believe it. Maybe its because its so broken that its grabbing onto anything for hope. I am getting frustrated and discouraged because I wanted this to be such an amazing time. I wanted to just be in another world knowing the thing I have been praying so hard for over the last year is now finally going to happen. and just have that incredible pure happiness that I experienced the day I saw that positive test. I think I expected that to last everyday, all day, for the rest of my life. Silly to think such a thing. No matter what- in life- its never going to be like that. No matter the bad you have been through, there will still be more bad. More hard times. More hurt moments. Its part of growing. Its part of continuing to learn. I can find good in everyday but I can also find bad. Life isn't going to suddenly turn around and be a fairy tale. I guess I just am having a hard time realizing that. Even this morning I just laying in bed crying. Looking at Makenzies picture thinking, oh life would be so perfect if she was here. I would go get her out of bed and lay with her. I would look into her eyes and we would just soak each other in all day. The sun would shine through the window and we would lay in silence with just the cute little sounds she would make. I would kiss her a million times and we would just enjoy our perfect life.
Isn't that how every one's days are?
If you have a child, isnt it just perfect all the time?
Okay you can laugh.
Even on the very best days with Makenzie there was spit ups, diaper changes, clothing changes, laundry to be done, rainy days where there was no sun, there was strange rashes, there was me feeling ill, or kenzie getting a cold. Even when life seemed perfect, it wasn't. It was life.
I kept thinking when I got pregnant I was going to just soak up every second. I was going to accept my changing body, I was going to indulge in all the things this baby craved, I was going to do some light work outs to keep both baby and I healthy, I was going to buy cute maternity clothes and then when we found out the sex I would dive into stocking this little babes closet. Life was going to finally be how it should be...
again... you can laugh...
Already I am not loving the body changes. I started to sprout out early with Kenzie to and I just feel gross. I feel sick most of the time, I cant breath, I hate maternity clothes, I hate that my clothes are already starting to fit different, I hate how much all that baby stuff costs... and I cant feel the babe moving yet so I cant enjoy those little moments, but even then- if this child is anything like Makenize.. They will find themselves nuzzled right up in my ribs and try their best to break every single one of them every second of the day. and let me say that is not something that is part of how "life should be".
So here I go. Sad because I am not living in the movies with the perfect life and the perfect pregnancy and the perfect attitude and the perfect family. I am remembering once again that I am just Kendra. I am the mom to a beautiful little angel who I miss terribly and who I will have to wait a lifetime to see. I am the soon to be mom of a real miracle. A sweet little baby that will join our family but will give me plenty of adventures and no so perfect days. and I am the wife to a husband who literally is far to good for me but still has his own little quirks and wants to fix everything instead of just listening- and that really is what my life is about. and that's okay. I am always learning to live with it and stop fighting it. whats done is done and what is to come is in Gods hands.

Who needs to breathe?

2012-02-04T21:29:00.002-07:00

Having a horrible time breathing = Spending our Thursday in the ER.
For about a week now I literally cant catch my breath. I have never experienced something like this. I am gasping for air constantly. It almost feels like a panic attack which I have experienced pretty much my whole life and I have been on anxiety medication for. But this is like a million times worse because it doesn't go away. From the time I wake up to when I go to bed. It hurts. My chest is aching. I finally gave in and called my OB on Thursday morning. He got really worried it was a blood clot so he said I needed to get to the emergency room asap. We had the mini but I didn't think it was going to be anything serious and so we took her thinking we wouldn't be there long. Ryan left work early and came to get me because trying to catch my breath leaves me super lightheaded and I was worried about driving. We got to the ER and was there about 5 hours before they discharged me saying they didn't feel comfortable doing any tests on me since I was so early in my pregnancy and that they just thought it was anxiety. We left and called my OB to update him on what they said. He got a bit upset that they wouldn't test me because the tests they needed to do to test me for a blood clot would do nothing to the baby. He said I needed to be seen and I should head to a different ER. We dropped the mini off at my sisters and headed to another ER. We got checked in much quicker and they started doing tests right away. EKG and tons of blood work along with an IV. Geesh... Such a change from the other place. We waited and waited for the blood results. They finally came back and everything was normal. They called my OB and tried to figure out what to do. They finally had me leave and said to call my doctor the next day to figure something out. As long as it wasn't a blood clot I was fine to leave. So after another 5 hours at the ER we were headed home. With no answers. I cant tell you how much I hate that. The whole day I kept telling Ryan the only thing I can think of is Makenzie. Thinking of how hard it was for her to breath and how I would take her from place to place having everyone say she is fine. I know you should trust your motherly instincts but I was so afraid I was over reacting. I mean how many hospital stays and specialist have to tell you everything is fine for you to start thinking your the crazy one and everything is fine. I have learned different for my child. Knowing I need to really listen to what my heart tells me and that I wont sit down ever if something feels wrong with this baby. But for myself. There is no motherly instinct. I know I cant breath very well and I know how I'm feeling but I walked out of both those ER visits feeling like I'm overreacting or something. Both ER doctors ended up saying anxiety. I just don't get it. I am on medication for anxiety and I feel fine. It doesn't come and go its constant. I have been looking online to see if there could be other answers. My sister told me about her friend who had pretty much every single symptom I have and she said it was something where when you get pregnant this hormone attacks your respiratory system and there is nothing you can do about it. Have you heard of this? My OB hasn't but that doesn't mean anything. I'm wondering if anyone knows anything about this and if there is any advice to help. I feel so useless because it gets like a million times worse if I even stand up let alone start doing things around the house. I had to run to the grocery store yesterday and I thought I was going to die half way through. ahh...
Okay so I am not complaining and seriously if this is the worst that happens for the rest of my life I will be fine but it would sure be nice to know what is the cause of it and why its happening.
I have just been so worried this baby could be suffering but both ER doctors and my OB assured me the baby is fine. My stats all say I'm getting plenty of oxygen and my lungs are working great so the baby is doing fine. Thank God.
On a positive note... I have to say the ~~morning~~ all day sickness hasn't seemed near as bad since my focus is completely turned to just breathing :)

Little Bean

2012-02-01T10:56:00.002-07:00

The first picture of the little bean.

I might be biased but he is the cutest most precious thing ever.

I honestly dont know what is better than hearing your childs heart beat for the first time.

Seeing life.

A life you created.

A very surreal, beautiful moment.

Seeing that little heart beating away.

Hearing the most amazing sound one could imagine.

Next to seeing that baby for the first time. Its definitely put on the books as one of the most incredible experiences you will ever have in life. especially when you know this little life. Is currently spending their days with the other half of your heart. Knowing my Makenzie knows her little brother or sister. Knowing she is with them. Knowing she will forever watch over them. Is the greatest blessing I could imagine right now.

He is doing fabulous. Measuring smaller than what they thought so we have a new due date.

September 22, 2012

I would have loved that date to get closer not farther but I'm definitely NOT complaining.

So technically I am not 7 weeks yet. Ill be 7 weeks Saturday.

...This is seriously taking forever...

Son of a gun. I'm trying to be patient but man alive I am just too damn excited.

Ryan wasn't able to make it to my apt. so I recorded the heartbeat. I cant stop listening to it.

Can anyone guess what my new ring tone is?

That's right... A whole lot of swoosh... swoosh... swooshing sounds. oh I love it.

--- and by the way I have no idea if this child is a boy or girl but I hate calling it an IT. So I'm going with my first instinct and calling it a boy. If he turns out to be a girl-- Ill gladly go back and change all those HE'S to SHE'S. No matter what they are I love them more than a million billion skittles already.

7 weeks!

2012-01-31T12:36:00.001-07:00

How far along? 7 Weeks
Total weight gain: +1 lb.
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: No complaints.
Best moment this week: Talking about baby names.
Miss Anything? Nope.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: The generic- super cheap chicken noodle soup- cold.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Super sick this last week. Starting early and going away around 1:00 pm. Then it comes back around 5:00pm lasting until bedtime.
Gender: Ryan thinks boy. I think boy.
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Sick.. Sick.. Sick...
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody :(
Looking forward to: Seeing BABY at our ultrasound tomorrow!

This week has been super emotional. I don't know what triggered it but I have been having some serious issues. I want to lay around and cry all the live long day. The reality that this baby is coming and that they are not Makenzie and that they will help in many ways... But they wont fix it. Makenzie is gone. She isn't coming back. and there is nothing I can do about that. I will never be the person I was 3 years ago. Being pregnant around the same time line as with Makenzie has been a little hard. Remembering what I was thinking and feeling then. Not knowing the things that would happen. Not even imagining them to be possible. The innocence. I was 21 years old when Makenzie was born. I cant believe that person was able to do all that she did. I look at myself now and how much I have grown. What is important in life. What has changed and I cant imagine that 21 year old me going through the sickness and death of a child. I didn't know anything. I didn't know how to prepare. I wasn't strong enough.
Here I am today and I still don't feel strong enough. Thinking there is no way I could ever do that again. My Makenzie was the most beautiful gift I could have ever received in my life- she taught me how to love. Through her life and through her death. She made me a different person today.

I am scared. I am beyond nervous. I feel like I am doing this for the first time. Being a Mom. Being the type of Mom I need to be for this child. Before. I was a New Mom.
People would say-- Oh you will worry to much, be over protective, buy silly things that you will never use... You will learn alot by the time your second child comes along.... Now here they come. and I feel like a new Mom again. Not in all the same ways but in a lot of new different ways that I never even thought of before. Thinking about the ways to prevent this child from dieing. Thinking of ways to help them remember their sister. Worrying if ill remember how to do things. I forgot what foods you could and couldn't eat. I forgot different things that happen when your pregnant. I forgot the age you start feeding your child solid foods. I'm getting my baby books out and honestly feel I have never read them before. I am not only feeling like a first time mom, but at the same time I'm feeling like a old mom who is starting over after years of no babies. I have seen it begin and end. I have been there every step in between. I am scared of what will happen. I am scared of who I will be. As I have been thinking of that 21 year old becoming a first time mom I have been quickly reminded of that 22 year old that made the choice to end her daughters life. Fearing if that person was good enough. She didn't know anything. But there she was. and she lived through it. I lived through it. I have been praying that Makenzie forgives me for all the times I didn't do enough. For all the times I should have been a louder voice for her. Those moments that are forever engraved in my head. The hardest of hard. The darkest of dark. The moments where I prayed harder than I have or ever could pray. Pleading with God to help my child. Some of those moments I believe I did everything I could. Others, I wish I would have done more.
The only thing I know for certain about this next baby and that is the same as it was with Makenzie- I will never ever leave. I will never turn my back. I pray I have learned from what Makenzie has taught me. I pray I do better this time. I pray this child understands who they are and the kind of love I already have for them.
I would have given my life for Makenzie. and I will give my life to this bean.
In 231 days ill be a new mom- again- to an incredible life. and ill consider myself the luckiest Mom alive if they teach me just half of what Makenzie taught me.
Makenzie isn't coming back. This baby is coming into my life to help my heart grow. Not seal up that hole. Its going to be hard. Really hard. but through this baby ill be even closer to my Makenzie.

Cookbooks and Leggings

2012-01-30T12:54:00.003-07:00

... Seriously morning sickness sucks!
Now that is off my chest lets talk about something more important.

I wanted to talk a little bit about my cookbooks and the leggings project. I still have TONS of cookbooks. I don't think I have even sold half of what I ordered which means I have yet to cover the cost of just the books. argh. I based the number of books I bought off the number of pre-orders. I talked to a couple other people who helped me gauge how many to buy so that's how come I came up with a big number. Its mainly because you guys are all such amazing supporters who jumped right on the ball of ordering/pre-ordering your book! Thank you so much to everyone that has purchased one-- or more. It means the world to me and I cant thank you enough. I hope I have caught up with all of you that for whatever reason didn't receive your cookbook. I have sent replacements and I hope and pray you got them. If not PLEASE email me!
livingformrw@hotmail.com. Send me your address and the date you purchased it and ill send you a replacement one ASAP! I am so so so sorry again for anyone that had an issue. I have talked to the post office seriously for hours and they cant tell me what happened to your packages. I have tracking numbers and delivery confirmations on everyone I send out now so there wont be any more issues :)
If you haven't purchases a cookbook I would love you for ever and ever if you did! Ryan and I are moving and would LOVE if we didn't need to move all those boxes that are piled in our kitchen.

The other thing I wanted to mention is Makenzie's Leggings Project. I know some have had questions as to what this even is. I started this 2 years ago in memory of Makenzie. Since she was SO tiny and seriously didn't fit into hardly anything other than newborn clothes which the pants were floods on her I started having her wear a onsies and leggings which was perfect for her tiny self and I made every pair of leggings she had. After she got sick and was in the hospital it was always so cold in the PICU and she couldn't wear clothes because of all those machines so I would put the leggings on her to help keep warm. They ended up becoming more of a fashion statement and her doctors and nurses would drop by daily to see which pair she had on today. I wanted to share this little bit of joy and love with all those other children at Primary Children's Hospital and make sure as many kids as possible could have their own pair of leggings. The first year we donated over 1800 pairs of leggings! They were gone within a few months. Everyone loved them. This last December we donated over 250 which I'm sure are already gone as well. My goal is to collect more than both years combined and donate 2000+ leggings this year. I would love to collect at least 1000 by July to take up there so they can have some now but if not July I will be taking them all on December 13th (Makenzie's Angelversary). To learn more about what leggings are and how you can help donate some please go HERE or HERE or HERE. You can also email me. I have a standard pattern for leggings if you would like to make them yourself or you can send me the knee high socks and ill sew them for you or you can purchase them already made. I have received a few pairs from some amazing people but I'm still well under 100 pairs so far. I know July is still 6 months away but wouldn't it be awesome to have them all collected before that so we can take them up sooner?!

I just wanted to share a very sweet note just I got from a PICU nurse about these leggings...

hi! I'm a nurse at PCMC and i just wanted to say how adorable and thoughtful your legging project is. We have quite a few babies up here with your leggings on. it brightens the room, adds cheer. it's also practical, we can still assess our little babies and it helps to keep them warm. THANK YOU! I'm sorry you've been through so much. thank you for being brave enough to put your story out there.

Isn't that amazing! YOU are all doing this. Its because of YOU and your incredible donations that so so SOOO many kids will have a smile on their face. THANK YOU so much to all of you that have donated, This year and through the past 2 years. I will forever be grateful for your endless support.

I hope you don't mind I am asking for more help. I feel that's all I do sometimes. I promise I'm trying to make a difference. I hope I am giving back half as much as what I have been given. We are so blessed and I thank GOD almost hourly for everything we are blessed with.

Dream?

2012-01-27T21:51:00.001-07:00

I fear. The life that is growing in me will only last so long. Will they really be strong? Will it breath it's first breath? After that how many breaths will they take? The fear is overwhelming. Trying to plan life fearing how long we will have. I find myself gadgeing her 4 months 3 weeks and 4 days with this life. When will that be. Will 4 months 3 weeks and 5 days exist? We did all we could to get them here safe. Healthy. But a million things could happen. Or maybe it will be some fluke thing. They will be sick too. I am ill. Neausous. Wanting answers. Wanting a promise. Knowing I'll never get any of it. I'll get what I get. There is nothing I can do. But pray. And praying I am. I have been so frustrated with my brain. Forgetting. I'll rememer the dumbest thing about the 3rd grade but I forget some of the sounds makenzie would make. I need her. I will always need her. I stare at her pictures. Her perfect face. Imagining that day. Her. The sounds and smells. I want everything to stop. I want to go back. Go back to her. Give me a day. A moment. I would give anything. I would give anything for just a dream. A god damn dream. To go back. Why can't I get that? The last dream I had of her was almost 2 years ago. What the hell. Don't I deserve a dream? Just a minute to hold her? To tell her how much I love her? To tell her that I miss her more than she could ever imagine. To make sure she is healthy. Happy. That she is smiling. That she knows I have always wanted her. That I am living for her. I am tired of just talking to her and hoping she hears. I just want a dream. To know she hears me. I want to curl in a ball. Cry. Scream. And beg for a dream. I ask every night. I need to have a moment. I need her. I want a 2.5 year old running around. I want the life she gave me. I miss her. I feel like I can't breathe. I can't see. I am trying to live. Live with this. But it's so hard. It hurts. It's everyday. It's every hour. It's every minute. Living life without her. The empty room. The silence. The heavy arms. No story times. No kisses. No bath time. I pray this new baby gives me a life. And that their lifetime doesn't end before mine. I pray through them. I'll remember makenzie more.

6 weeks

2012-01-24T21:33:00.000-07:00

How far along? 6 Weeks

Total weight gain: -1.5 lbs. Not trying to lose weight but not totally complaining since I know ill gain a hefty amount by September.
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? I have a few lotions are oils that have been recommended so I hope they help keep this answer to NO new ones.
Sleep: I could sleep all day.
Best moment this week: Ultrasound.
Miss Anything? I was wishing I we could go out for sushi the last few days.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Sushi and spicy cheetos.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Morning and evening times.
Gender: Ryan thinks boy. I think boy.
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Sleepy, nauseous in the morning and evening. Puked twice now.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Seeing BABY at our ultrasound next week!

We had our ultrasound today and things went okay. Because they knew the day of conception they were certain of my due date. Well apparently sperm can live like 36 hours or something so I might not have actually got pregnant on December 27. They could see a little sac in my uterus but couldn't find a heartbeat. So we will be going back February 1st to get the ultrasound done again so the baby will for sure be over 6 weeks. They were thinking it was measuring around 5 weeks 5 days. Close but those 2 days make a world of difference.
and about twins... They are not sure. There could be 2 babies in the actual sac but the tech only saw one sac so the chances are slim of multiples. Although that would be amazing and so much fun. I am so over the moon thankful for 1 sweet little bean. I am anxious for next week to hear that heart beat and see it beating away. I am hanging on until next week. I have to document that the full bladder before an ultrasound is literally torture. HOLY HELL. Okay let me drink a few cups of water and another couple water bottles on the ride over then be told to sit in the waiting room for over an hour. Then be called back to have some chick shove a doppler through your abdomen into your spine smashing your bladder. I tinkled a little. Ill be honest. and I get to do it all over again next week. BUT seeing that baby is totally worth it.

Currently In Love:

2012-01-23T19:08:00.000-07:00

Ryan: camo, under armor hoddie, naps, swamp loggers, spicy noodles, hot baths, dreams of hunting season starting in 7 months.

Kendra: The movie PS I love you (I have watched 3+ times in 3 days), ice water, nail polish, dreams of a vacation, pinterest, new sheets.

Harley: bacon flavored treats, snuggling with mum, running in the snow, baths, toilet water.

So much we are looking forward to.
* a new niece
* seeing OUR baby on the ultra sound tomorrow. lets take bets. who thinks there is more than 1?
my vote is 1 but ryans vote is 2
* valentines day. only for the fact i have a whole vday themed menu planned (thanks to pinterest)
* snow storms
* getting a baby bump
* starting to plan a nursery
* super bowl party
* date nights
* painting our bedroom
* getting our back yard put back together finally after the wind storm
* little brothers wedding

we are so lucky to have so much in our lives. we are truly blessed.

Q&A --- Answers

2012-01-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

1. What names have you and Ryan been considering for that new cutie pie?

When we were thinking of names for Makenzie I would say on several occasions that picking the name was one of the worst parts about a new baby. I was so paranoid about picking the “wrong” name. I mean if the name Makenzie wouldn’t have come along she probably would have been named Zoey. Not that I don’t love Zoey- but she was definitely NOT a Zoey. Anyway… this time around, its actually been kind of fun. Maybe because we are so early in the process. We will see how it goes in 8 months. The names we LOVE are the same names we have LOVED for a couple years now.

Boy Names: Jax, Ryder and Cash

Girl Names: Ella, Macey, Raylee and Ryann

I wouldn’t be surprised if we use none of these names but we will see J

2. Are you planning on doing any Genetic testing to see if this child is a carrier of SMARD?

So we wont be doing any Genetic testing while I am pregnant this time. After the baby is born we will be testing the baby for SMARD- which is done with a simple blood draw. The only reason I want to do that is because I am extremely paranoid. We were not able to have the sperm donor tested for SMARD so we cant be 100% certain he isn’t a carrier. To be a carrier the odds are 1 in 50,000 and then it’s a 1 in 4 chance the child will even have the disease. Now I know that has already happened… TWICE… but I feel we have done everything possible to protect this baby. To get them here safe and healthy. The reason we are testing the child after they are born is to first confirm they are SMARD free so that if the odds are in our favor and the baby is sick—we can get the proper help as soon as possible. The other reason is to test the baby to see if they are a carrier for SMARD so they know their risks when they grow and become a parent someday.

3. How are you when pregnant? Do you have good health usually or do you get really sick?

I got a little sick with Makenzie. I threw up only a handful of times (usually when I brushed my teeth) but for the most part I felt fine. I have no idea how this round will go but so far I cant complain. Other than today- I have been puking my guts out! Blah.

4. Do you color your hair or highlight/lowlight?

I wish I could have cute hair all the time. This totally made my day because I sure don’t feel like it. I have never been one to get my hair done all the time. I wish I could but I am to broke to do it. The last 3+ years the only time I have cut or colored my hair has been when I get a gift card from someone. This last time the amazing girl that does my hair put some bleach and caramel in as well as some big chunks of violet. My hair doesn’t hold color very well (even when I have the most expensive hair care products) so the violet has turn more red. The next time I do it I think ill do more blonde. Its better for grow out and I don’t have to color it as often. Even though I only get my hair done twice a year.

5. Question...did you get my email? I ordered some Baby Legs and want to send them to you to donate to PCMC but don't know if you want me to send them to you (you are still doing your little project, right?), or if I should take the to the hospital and donate them in MRW's name.

I think I responded to your email. If you didn’t get a response than no I didn’t get it. Sorry! But the answer is YES we are doing the leggings project. This year I want to surpass the last 2 years, which means we need over 2000 pairs of leggings! We NEED help. We NEED donations. If you want to sew the leggings yourself ill send you directions on how to do it or you can send me the leggings and ill do it! You can also buy already made leggings. They are everywhere. Babylegs.com, target, Wal-Mart, any baby boutique. If you have any questions about this project please let me know. I would love to collect 1000 by July and get them to the hospital then because they go through them SO FAST. They really are being used and loved and wanted!

6. I have a question that I have been dying to ask. It's about SMARD. I don't remember for sure, but I thought you said that both you and your husband are carriers of the gene. What are the chances of your baby having SMARD when you use donor sperm?

Ryan and I both tested positive as carriers for the SMARD mutation. In order for the possibility of someone to have SMARD both parents need to be carriers. We didn’t get the sperm donor tested but the odds of him being a carrier is 1 in 50,000. SUPER RARE.

7. Did they have you take clomid or anything like that to increase your changes of getting pregnant and if so, what is the chance of having multiples? Also, I'm nervous to ask you this because I don't want to seem insensitive and I know you don't care if it’s a boy or a girl, but what are your thoughts on the subject. Do you think one or the other will make you miss Makenzie more? Sorry, I know you will always miss her, but I was just curious.

I was not on Clomid or any medication to help me get pregnant. My doctor felt I didn’t need any extra help and thought I would get pregnant within the 3 vials. He was right! We had talked and if I was to order more vials and move onto vial 4, 5 and 6 he would have put me on Clomid.

I have thought about if a boy or if a girl would be harder. At first I said a girl. Then a boy. Now I honestly have no idea. I think because we knew we wanted this child so much and in order to get them here we went on a different route I have pretty much become numb to the thought of one or the other. I think if we have a girl, using some of Kenzie’s things will be really hard but I have already decided this baby or any baby will never wear any of the clothes Kenzie wore. They can wear clothes she never grew into but I don’t think I would be able to handle seeing another little love in something that was just hers. I honestly have no idea though. I hope I continue to see what an incredible blessing this bebe is and that every inch of them will have Makenzie in it and that is a GOOD thing. NOT a hard or bad thing. Hope that makes sense.

8. I have what might seem like an odd question and I hope it isn't rude, but what do you do with all of the stuff that you buy for Makenzie all the time? All the books and decorations and such. I think it is so beautiful that you continue to celebrate your daughter, but wondered about that.

I love getting Makenzie things here and there. It makes me feel like I can still DO something for her. With her books… I write the reason and date she got it. Like “Halloween 2010”. And it goes in her bookcase to be read by anyone. For little toys I will either put them into the toy bin for others to play with or Ill put them in her dresser that is full of things that is JUST HERS.

9. If you end up having a girl, will you incorporate any part of Makenzie's name into this baby's name?

Ryan and I talked about this but I think we both have said no. Only because we are so obsessed with her name and keeping it her name. Down the road we might feel different but as of now I don’t think we will. I don’t even want their initials to be the same. MRW is definitely her.

10. Question: I know MRW is in Heaven because of SMARD, but will you take extra precaution against SIDS, like no bumpers or at least breathable ones, Angel care monitor etc.

This has been a big thing I have been doing some research on as well as quite a bit of other safety precautions. Before Makenzie passed I knew of maybe 1 or 2 families that lost their child. Now—there are way to many. Seeing how easy it can happen. How the littlest thing you don’t even think about can take your child’s life! I have been doing a lot of research on SIDS, Child proofing your house, Vaccinations for both Ryan and myself and for the baby as well as lots of other things. Now I know there really is only so much I can do. There is no way I can protect this child from everything, which totally gives me major anxiety, but it also humbles me to know God really does have his hand in everything. I’m sure many of you know my sweet friend Kellie. She gave tons of great tips on SIDS safety on her blog and has also given me some other tips to make the room as safe as possible. She is amazing. I love her. We have some things we are for sure doing so far but I will keep you up to date what things we are going to do.

11. Where did you grow up and how did you and Ryan meet and get engaged?

Ryan and I both grew up in Utah. We went to West High School together. We first met when I lived with my sister and brother in law. He lived down the street from them and we would see each other at church. Ryan would make fun of my clothes so I hated him. We are 3 years apart so he was a senior and I was a freshman. We both remember each other and remember different occasions of running into one another but there was nothing between us then. After I graduated Ryan found me on MySpace (romantic right) and asked to hang out. For the next year we dated but it was nothing serious. Ryan popped the question out of the blue one day. August 27^th. His family had a little birthday party for me and his parents gave me a fishing pole and he gave me a tackle box. Inside the tackle box was tons of fishing stuff and a little piece of paper. I open the paper and a ring falls out. He wrote a beautiful note asking me to be his wife. Everyone was staring at me. I couldn’t talk. I walked over to Ryan hugged him and he had to then ask if that was a yes J We decided to get married that November 16^th. What was so right about Ryan and I? We both came from such different backgrounds but we both came together knowing how important marriage is. That it’s not something to take lightly. We knew we would do everything to work together and to make “us” work. The first year wasn’t horrible but it was hard. The second year was really really HARD. But we worked hard together. There were times we both wondered if we make the right choice. Then came our little Makenzie. She changed our life more than we could have ever imagined. Her life. and her death. We knew we were a team and only we could get through this together. We were told so many times that the death of a child would make or break you. Let me tell you I can absolutely see how it could break you. It’s the most traumatic, horrible experience of your life and you now have to try and deal with all those emotions with someone else who most likely doesn’t feel the same things you do at the same times. But we survived. We are continuing to live. And we are doing it together.

Now that was a really long explanation as to how we met and got engaged. Sorry J

12. My question for you is you going to find out the gender(s)? You going to still try and move?

Yes we will find out the gender of the baby. I think it would be fun to wait but I know I never could. I am far too anal to wait. I need to have everything done before they get here. And plus I’m just far too excited to wait longer.

We still want to sell our condo. It’s been on the market for over a year now. We were thinking of renting it out and making it somewhat of a property investment but I honestly would rather just sell it. We are just taking it one step at a time and we will see what happens. I hate the in between right now though.

Thank you all SO much for asking these questions. It was fun to do and I hope I answered them good enough.

Love...

2 1/2 years old!

2012-01-18T21:33:00.000-07:00

How in the world is it that you are 2 1/2 Makenzie?

Who told you that you could grow up? Who said that it was okay to let time go by so quickly?

I cant imagine what life would be like with a 2 1/2 year old. Running this household. I can only imagine the things you would have taught me. I can only imagine the Mum I would have been. Its funny because I sit here and tell you over and over how much I love and miss you and then I wonder how much I would actually love you if the last 2 years never happened? What if you were still here. Would I have learned how much I love I actually have for you?! I cant imagine that I ever would have. I cant imagine being able to really see this side of love. Seeing it be so pure. So limitless.

I feel so torn. Wanting you back. Wishing things were different. Aching to hold you.

But then I wonder what kind of Mother I would have been. I'm ashamed to say I wouldn't have been good enough. My patience was not what I should be. My love was not as big. Who you deserve- I was not. I wish I would have been. I wish I could have learned all this without going through all of it.

Don't get me wrong. I loved you with all my heart. I loved you with everything I had and I would have done anything and everything for you..... at least as much as my mind would have allowed...

but now. Seeing how big, how long, how strong, how intense love can really be.

I am a totally different Mom.

I know I'm not perfect. I definitely wont be with this baby either. But the way ill love will be completely different. Seeing my child's entire life. Seeing it begin and end. Knowing how it can all be over.

Just like that. Changes someone.

Oh Makenzie you gave me the greatest gift I could ever imagine. You answered my prayers. As much as I wish you were here. Being a wild sassy 2 1/2 year old. I know that whenever I get to be your Mom again and raise you. I will be a million times better. I wont make as many mistakes. Mistakes like not soaking up what it feels like when your breath is on my neck. Mistakes like not kissing those toes more. Mistakes like thinking I always had tomorrow to read you a story, to have you see the sunrise, or to let you feel the snow fall on your cheeks.

Then again... No amount of kisses, sunrises, books or winters would be long enough.

For you my muffin, I really will need a lifetime. I will need eternity.

Time cant exist. I need you. All of you. and to never let you go.

Maybe God knew that.

I guess that was his plan.

I promise ill remember everything you taught me about love, life and happiness. I promise ill give my everything to your little brother or sister. I promise there will never be a day they forget you. Because if it wasn't for you. They wouldn't be here. and they wouldn't be loved and wanted like they already are.

Happy 2 1/2 year birthday Makenzie Rye.

Thank you for giving me the world.

Someday ill repay you.

another Q&A... plus my horrible- rotten- no good- very bad day.

2012-01-17T20:26:00.000-07:00

I cried today, a couple times. Not full on giant tears with my mouth open cry or anything but the kind that you have to hold your head back so the tears can form bigger puddles in your eyes without dripping while you wave your hands back and forth trying to dry it all up. You know what I mean!
Anywho. Do you want to know why?
Several reasons.
8 reasons for my horrible. rotten. no good. very bad. day
#1. I hate running. and I am determined to stay active this pregnancy. and I MADE myself go running this morning.
#2. I made tuna fish for lunch (BTW I have been meaning to look up if I can eat tuna- anyone know?) anyway- I couldn't find a tupperware container so I put it in a glass bowl and put cling wrap over it. When I got to work- It had spilled out the side so I had to scrap my tuna off the side of a plastic bag in order to eat it.
#3. I found these walnut clusters in the back of the cupboard. Ryan made them for neighbor Christmas treats way back- mid December- they sounded sooo yummy so I grabbed them to eat at work. I waited all day to eat them so I had something to look forward to. I took one bit and almost puked. They were disgusting. Old. Gone bad. Horrible. I took 2 or 6 more bits hoping it would start to taste better but each bit was worse than the last. I finally threw the bag away.
#4. I found out some news today about some things. I want to be totally honest with my peeps on here but there are some people who I know read this blog so I don't want to say anything more than that.
KEEPING YOU ON YOUR TOES with the unknown right?! Okay ill will say... someone I know named their baby Makenzie. Obviously I love the name. but is it bad for me to think the name belongs to my Makenzie and only her?
(this is where you agree with me even though I'm being totally ridiculous because I'm pregnant and you ALWAYS agree with pregnant women)
#5. You know those HUGE decisions we are making in life. Well I am super nervous and I am just hoping we get the answers from God as to what is right for our little family. and as of today... God has not sent that text message letting me know what to do! seriously!
#6. I miss the mini. even though I just had her yesterday. she is not here today and I don't like it. She is my tea party guest.
#7. Ryan is snoozing instead of rubbing my feet or tickling my back. WHO DOES THAT?!
#8. I ordered some phone chargers about 5 months ago online. I never received them but I found a great deal on some others so I ordered more. I thought that order was lost and there was some conspiracy as to me not ever getting a phone charger so I went to the apple store and spent $40 on a new charger. Well I got home today and had 2 packages. that's right. BOTH orders for my super cheap-awesome steal- chargers came. SO now I have 8 BRAND NEW chargers. Guess I wont be needing any more for a long while. ps- if you need an iphone/ipod/ipad charger get it online. like on amazon. i paid $3 per charger and they seem to work great. and 3 of them are colored. purple. blue and yellow. hello awesome! ill keep you updated if they continue to work or if they die soon. but hey $3 isn't too bad.

so there you have it. I cried because of all 8 of those reasons. think the pregnancy hormones are kicking in? i think so. my oh my. but to be honest. in between tears. i really had a great day. i am lucky to have my job. my husband. my boss. my family and this wittle bebe growing in me. who's heart is going to start beating and pumping blood this week by the way! talk about amazing.

i also wanted to take this opportunity to do another Q&A... the last one was fun despite the not so nice comments but i promised i would do it again and i bet some of you have questions especially regarding this new little addition. so here is your chance. ask away! ask anything. i might not answer some things but i most likely will. lets face it. i might share too much sometimes. oh well.
so ill keep it open until FRIDAY JANUARY 20th. Ill answer them all either that night or early Saturday morning!

Week -- 5

2012-01-17T07:22:00.002-07:00

.... Pictures will come maybe starting at 10 weeks ....

How far along? 5 Weeks

Total weight gain: None so far. That will change by tomorrow I'm sure.
Maternity clothes? My sister is currently using all of my maternity clothes but her bebe is due any day so ill get them back soon.
Stretch marks? No more than the ones I got with Makenzie.
Sleep: Great.
Best moment this week: Seeing the little Disneyland gifts my sister bought for the BABY.
Miss Anything? Nothing yet.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: None.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing.
Gender: I have no idea but Ryan is certain its twin BOYS.... seriously...
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: None.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Seeing BABY at our ultrasound next week!

Hooray for being PREGNANT. Hooray for a baby coming in September. Hooray for Makenzies little brother or sister.
Ryan and I are making some HUGE life changing decisions right now. ON TOP OF THIS BABY. But that choice was super super EASY. I am soaking up every second of this pregnancy but I am honestly anxious for this month to be over simple for the rest of our life to somewhat lay into place. No matter what happens. I have a baby coming and I you cant get the smile off my face. I have promised myself and Ryan that I wont buy ANY baby things until I'm at least 10 weeks along. Other than some burp clothes that Ryan's Grandma is going to help us make I haven't made a single purchase. and that my friends, is HUGE for me. especially working in a baby boutique.

I want to THANK YOU all again for the mass amount of love and support. We are so lucky to have so many people who have prayed for us and hoped they would see a positive result along with us! Thank you for following our journey so far and I am thrilled to share the rest with you. The good and bad. Thank you for just being there.

Here's to 5 weeks down... 35 weeks to go!

Kenzie Day 25

2012-01-14T22:23:00.000-07:00

Kenzie Day #25 = Kangaroo Zoo

Oh the amount of smiles.

We had a blast. How could you not?! A room full of things to jump on. You can go nuts!

There were a few owies but nothing that wouldn't be fixed with another jump.

We had tons of pizza and an endless amount of treats.

Such a happy happy night.

I love that all Makenzie's cousins ask when the next Kenzie day is. I love that they cant wait to send another balloon off to her. I love that they ask about her. I love that they never forget her when they talk about their cousins. She is so much around. She will forever watch over each and everyone of them. I am so lucky that because of my daughter we get to have a day to celebrate her life every month.

Oh Makenzie Rye I can only imagine the fun you had watching everyone. and I'm sure you got some extra laughs from watching me run around (and almost get stuck) on all that stuff.

Ill admit got just a little child claustrophobic.

finding out.

2012-01-13T08:50:00.000-07:00

WOW... What an unbelievable amount of love and support you have shown us! We are so touched. Since we found out we are just elated. I am so thankful for this gift and I know how incredibly lucky we are. My heart just aches of all those other women who are wanting just what I have now.

I am praying for you. Praying you get your wish.

I know Ryan and I have so much in life and we have been blessed beyond measure.

I am soaking up the minutes I get with this little life now. I didn't take advantage of the beauty of pregnancy with Makenzie. I was so impatient (shocking right). I just wanted her here. I had a hard time bonding with this life inside me. I kept hearing everyone say how they loved being pregnant. I didn't get it. I felt ugly, fat and uncomfortable. Well I have to admit that this round I don't care if I gain a hundred pounds. To know I am growing this little life inside me. To know I will hold this child. To know I am going to be their Mum. Is more than anything I could ever dream. I know God has his own plan for us. I am lucky our plan came when it did. I am learning everyday how to be more patient. I know this is such an important lesson in life. I know I need to learn this for a million more things to come in life. God knows me. He knows you. We all have a purpose. We all have a reason.

This little life is so incredibly loved. Ryan and I cant stop pinching ourselves. We cant believe its real.

So ill tell you how we found out and how we told our family...

I said I was going to wait until January 10th before we tested. That was the day Ms. Flo was suppose to make her appearance so I wanted to wait get a fairly accurate reading. Well you should know by now patience is my weakness. I had tested twice the week before. Both negative. I didn't feel discouraged this time. I just knew in my heart God had a plan and if it wasn't this round. It would happen someday. Well on Sunday morning I just had a feeling maybe I should test. I didn't tell Ryan I was going to. I sat there and waited for the results. SERIOUSLY THE LONGEST 3 MINUTES OF ANY ONES LIFE!

As I kept glancing at the test I saw a plus sign forming. I thought my eyes were playing tricks so I went downstairs to get breakfast and came back like 30 minutes later. It looked like a positive sign. I decided to take another test. That's when I took the clear YES or NO one. After those 3 LONG minutes. A big fat YES popped up. HOLY MOLY. Then I took another... You know- just in case. and that one had a very clear PLUS sign. I was freaking out just a bit. We were going over to Ryan's parents that night and I thought of wrapping this little gift I had got Ryan and have him open it there to tell him the news. again I lack on patience and couldn't wait. I made it past lunch when I just couldn't hold back. We were in our bedroom and I asked Ryan if he thought I got pregnant this round. He looked at me weird and said.. "umm.. are you?"

I couldn't say anything I just started smiling and pulled out his gift. It was the little Utes hat and socks. He looked at it and looked at me and said... "SERIOUSLY." Then leaped up and grabbed me.

We just kept saying over and over--- oh my god--- oh my god---

I got that little blanket to give Makenzie when we ever got pregnant. We wrapped it up and took it to my Moms house. She opened it up and freaked. We then went to Ryan's parents and they did the same thing.

It was such a fun day.

I took 5 more tests over the next 3 days. ALL clearer than the last.

These 249 more days are going to seem like forever. But I am so excited that for the next 249 days I get to wake up and go to sleep with this little life inside me.

Wishes do come true!

2012-01-11T18:59:00.000-07:00

December 26th 2011

December 27th 2011

January 8th 2012

7 more tests just like this

all positive

251 days to go

Due date... September 18th 2012

We seriously cant be more excited.

The last few days have been spent soaking it all in.

I have said about a million prayers THANKING God for this incredible gift.

We are OVER THE MOON.

.....

Thank you all for your INCREDIBLE love and support. For every prayer. For every good thought. For every sweet comment and email. For all your reassurance that this will happen.

I cant wait to continue this journey with you all.

This little life is a miracle.

Oh how loved they already are.

Round 3

2012-01-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

I am a bit late in blogging about this but I have really tried not to think about it much so forgive me :)

So if you remember our last round of IUI didn't work so my OB wanted to start doing daily ultra sounds to watch my follicles and implant when they were right. I went in for the first ultra sound on Friday December 23rd. At the time I was at a 15 and needed to be at a 20 to get the trigger shot and get implanted. If it wasn't for the Christmas weekend and the office being closed I would have continued to go in everyday until I reach the 20 mark. Well since it was Christmas they wouldn't be open again until the Tuesday after Christmas and my OB thought I would most likely ovulate sometime that weekend which would mean missing this months implant because there would be no one at the office. They told me to continue testing with my digital ovulation through the weekend and if I happen to not test positive I would start the ultra sounds again on Tuesday.

So I tested everyday and on Monday I tested Positive... Woohoo.. That meant I would be able to get implanted the next day when they opened and I wouldn't miss this month.
I was happy that this month my OB was able to do the actual implant. Every other month I have gone in on the weekend so I was with 2 different on call doctors that I didn't know. and the other 2 times Ryan couldn't make it to the actual appointment so I felt much better having him there this round.
Everything fell into place much better so I am very hopeful for a good outcome as well.

Before I was implanted this round I was determined to not worry every second. Not to think about it much. Just to have the mind frame that if it happens it happens and there is nothing I can do to make it happen faster than what God already has in mind.

So we got implanted on December 27th. Since then I have tried to keep my mind on anything but praying that I am pregnant. This is our last vial so if we don't get pregnant off this round we will have to make the decision to either buy more vials or go another route. I still don't know what we are going to do if it doesn't work but we will cross that bridge when it comes... or doesn't come...
I should start ms. flo on Tuesday. I told myself I wouldn't test until Tuesday. Of course that didn't happen. I have tested twice so far and both times were negative. BUT I am still hopeful. I cant rule anything out until I actually do or do not get ms. flo.... I was doing really good the last couple weeks. Being really calm. Being very neutral about the whole thing. but as we are getting closer to Tuesday I am more and more anxious.

I have been having a hard time finding the balance between consistently asking for this to happen to just stepping back and trusting in Gods plan. I have talked to him A LOT about just helping me find the right balance to know I am trying to be patient and trust in his plan but that I hope he knows what my heart wants. I mean you are always told that if you don't ask you don't receive. But I don't want to spend hours and hours asking for something and not having the patience that I need to get it.

I want this.
More and more as time goes on.
I can only imagine some of you women.. and men.. out there that have gone through much more than me in trying to get pregnant. I really admire your strength and determination. I cant tell you how many times I just want to throw the towel in. Just lay down and cry and just say okay--- Ill just not have kids and ill start collecting dogs or something. I know that sounds silly. This is really only round 3 of our IUI but it has been a full year now that we have been trying for a family. We have gone through 3 different "plans" and we still have no baby. For a good part of the year we had a baby coming. We were thinking that at the end of this month we would be parents again. My due date was February 1st. I cant imagine being 9 months pregnant right now.

I have looked back over this last year and although I consider it one of the hardest-- maybe worst years. I cant begin to explain how much Ryan and I have grown. The changes in life. Who we are now vs. who we were a year ago. I know God needed us to learn certain lessons. Lessons that we will use. We needed to learn patience. Although I still have a long way to go with it. I can tell you right now I can see a difference in the amount of patience I have now.
You hear the quote all the time.
Life isn't about the destination... Its about the Journey getting there.
(so my quote might be a little off but you get the idea.)
I have to keep reminding myself that. The end of our road will be great. It will be full of everything we could ever imagine. But in order to get there we have to walk the road. Instead of racing to the end and looking back with nothing to show for it. We need to take our time. Make a difference, learn, enjoy, grow, find, breathe. I think about my Makenzie's life so much. I think about her road. I am amazed that she was able to accomplish everything she needed to in such a short amount of time. It really says something about her. About her giant spirit. About her heart. She was able to give, learn, enjoy, grown, find, make a difference... she breathed. She worked harder than anyone could imagine to breathe. When I think I'm having a hard day I watch this video that I took of her... It was just a couple days before she was taken to Primary Children's for the last time. I took her shirt off and just recorded her breathing. I had been to so many doctors trying to figure out what was wrong. Trying to tell them that this wasn't normal and that she wouldn't just out grow it. I had to record her because I needed to show others in order to help her. My heart is literally ripped apart every time I watch it. I get sick to my stomach. I get cold. I get hot. I get uncomfortable. I get light headed. I get physically sick. Looking at how determined she was. How hard she fought. In the video she kept smiling and talking to me. It was the last video I recorded of her making noise. Just a couple days later she was intubated and in the PICU. I never heard her again.

This life is not suppose to be easy. No one has it easy. We all have so much to learn and so much to experience. We need to understand that as hard as it gets, we are meant to be here. There is a reason. There is no mistake. We... at least I... all to often worry I chose the wrong path. Worry I made a mistake and that this isn't the life I am suppose to lead. But then I look at my daughter. I look at her smile, her eyes, her determination and I know with complete certainly this is so right. I was lucky enough to be apart of her journey. I was lucky enough to help her through it. I was lucky enough to have her effect my life the way she has. and if I was on a different path. I would never have had her.
and when.. if ever.. I am lucky enough to welcome Makenzie's little brother or sister into our life. I know this path has given me a completely different level of understanding, patience and love to give them.
I am suppose to be on this path. I am meant to have this life. and I have to do everything possible to take advantage of what I have been given.

Surprise...

2012-01-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

This last weekend we had some surprise visitors. and I say surprise because we didn't know they were coming until just a couple days before they got here. But oh what a welcome and lovely surprise.

My brother and his family that live in Washington came.

They went down to Vegas and stayed at our place on their way back home.

My sister in laws parents were here visiting from Korea so it was great to see them again.

D&T were still with us so we really had a FULL house.

6 adults and 6 kids.

In our little condo.

+ lots and lots of visitors stopping by to see the crew.

It was non stop from the second they walked in the door.

We did a little bit of playing:

A little bit of scowl making:

A little bit of OLD music playing:

A LOTA bit of picture taking:

A little bit of girl chatting:

A little bit of chalk board drawing:

A little more of that scowl making:

A little bit of cousin visiting:

A little bit of computer playing:

A little bit of long lost BFF hugging:

A little bit of magic happenings:

A little bit of uncle bonding:

A little bit of blanket stealing:

Not much sleep, Lots of noise, Lots of coffee, Lots of food, No room to walk, No room to sit...

Pure Happiness.

I simply adore my big brother and miss him terribly.

and those girls. Steal my heart every time I lay eyes on them.

Cookbook Orders and Shipping

2012-01-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

Oh these Cookbooks. They will be the death of me :)

Okay so not really but man oh man. I had no idea how hard they would be.

Just a heads up for anyone who is considering doing something like this to raise money, remember the fine print. Things like needing to pay the entire cost of every book up front, shipping the books to you is not included in any of the quotes they give you and when you have over 750 lbs of books coming to your house, it can get a bit expensive. When shipping, make sure you always ASK, ASK, ASK and ASK someone else. ALWAYS get a delivery confirmation. 98% of the time the mail always gets where its going but 99% of the time it takes longer than they tell you. Especially when you send media mail. So that brings me to shipping these cookbooks. I have chatted with a couple of you who have not received your cookbook about this but I wanted to make sure everyone knows especially if your going to place an upcoming order. I am sending all the cookbooks media mail. Its the cheapest way to send them. I am trying to keep the cost of it all as minimal as possible. I was told at the post office that media mail usually takes 2-3 weeks to receive. BUT that is during any month other than November - December. So any cookbook I have sent this last month was put on the back shelf and they will slowly ship them as there is room on the truck. I didn't know that at the time I went in to get prices on shipping. I actually just found that out after I got a couple people saying they still haven't received their cookbook. I have been in a few times to try and get more information about where these books are. But to keep the costs down and because of lack of knowledge I didn't think a delivery confirmation would be necessary so they cant track the books. Well the last 2 groups of books I sent (all books ordered after December 14, 2011) I got delivery confirmations on all of them so we shouldn't have the "lost cookbook" problem any longer.

As for those of you who ordered before that and I didn't get a delivery confirmation on your book, I am so sorry. I didn't think there would be such a problem getting them to you. I am asking those who still don't have them to continue to be patient. I am hoping and praying you get your book soon. I have tried holding off on sending more books only for the reason that I have had to pay for each of these books upfront and to send another I would lose money. I will absolutely do that if the book is missing but I have just tried to hold off a little longer hoping the ones I already sent end up being delivered.

I apologize to all of you who are having delays in receiving your book. I am so thankful that you have purchased a book and been a support to Ryan and I.

I'm sure if you have not already ordered a cookbook this might deter you from ordering one but I have made necessary changes to get your book tracked so we know its on its way.

We have TONS of cookbooks left. I would love to get more sold. There are some amazing recipes in there. I am using my book like crazy and everyone that has one loves it as well.

New Years Rocking EVE

2012-01-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

Spent the night with family playing the kinect, eating tons of food, treats... treats and more treats, board games, card games, blowing horns, noise makers, music, food, dancing, whip out, fortunes, movies, light balloons, food, drinks, laughing, someone maybe wet their pants a little :)

oh what a night.

New Years Fortunes.

. You melt a little bit of lead .

. dump it in cold water for it to instantly cool and form .

. find the biggest piece of lead and hold it up with a flashlight .

. Try to figure out what it looks like .

. The group determines your fortune for the next year based on what your shape is .

Pepsi is my BFF. I am begging Ryan for one of her brother or sister this next year.

She likes to hang in my pocket!

. I got tons of these balloons with lights in them thinking it would be so much to send to Makenzie. Well we filled them with helium and they didn't rise off the ground. AH. Then I read the package and it says right there that they do not float. They are just fun to play with in the dark. So that's what we did .

There started to be a few to many melt downs nearing the 11:00pm hour so we pushed it to 11:20ish and gave in heading outside to start the sparklers and poppers. That lasted all of 5 minutes.

We loaded up and headed home, got home a few minutes before midnight so the 4 of us huddled together on the couch to watch the ball drop and scream at the stroke of MIDNIGHT.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

... and what New Year would be complete without lots of kisses.

Top 11 in 2011

2012-01-02T10:52:00.000-07:00

11. Trip to Washington to visit the brother and his family.

10. Girls trip to California. Sad for the reason we went but it was good to be with them.

9. 2nd Makenzie's Live, Laugh, Breathe Fundraiser

8. Celebrated Makenzie's 2nd Birthday and 2nd Angel Day

7. Celebrated 5 years of marriage

6. Ryan got his big buck

5. Sold our beautiful black truck and bought the forever broken white one...

Still not seeing the benefits of the lower truck payment :(

4. Lots of Cabin trips.

3. Lots of Utah football games.

2. Baby Gracie...

(We brought BIG SISTER stuff to Kenzie to tell her the news)

1. Sperm Donor, 3 rounds of IUI and praying for a baby.

A new year is for fresh starts. New beginnings. Dreams and Goals. While making my top 11 in 2011 (thanks Ash for the idea) I had a hard time trying to narrow down our top 11 to just 11. I hate saying 2011 was a horrible year, Although I have left that year with a big old.. screw you... while my fist waved in the air, I have to know there were lots of good times. Lots of laughs. Lots of love and friendships made. This year really did a number on our lives. I look at what our life was January 1, 2011 and December 31, 2011... Its almost hard to find things that are still the same. So much is different. Although some of those things are really hard. Others are refreshing. Change isn't always bad.

We are still here. We have our health. We have hope and faith. We have love and endless amounts of support from so many people. We are blessed.

When you have a fresh start you want to make things better. You want to do things that will improve your life. As I think about this year there are so many things I want to do and accomplish.

My list keeps growing.

... Get my associates, start at a university to get my bachelors, get Ryan through 1 his first year of school, go on a trip, pay off bills, sell our house, go skydiving, learn a new skill, paint our bedroom, make amends with certain people, have a baby, cook more, serve more...

The list could go on for miles.

But the biggest thing that I am looking for with this new year is finding myself. Learning who I really am. Making sure I am on the right path. Doing what I can for others. Giving of myself. Making a difference. Loving bigger and forgiving faster.

Life is short.

There is no time to worry about what other thinks of you, hurt feelings, rude comments or selfishness.

We all have much to give. We all can do better. I pray at the end of this year I can look at myself and smile. Smile at what I have done, smile at what I accomplished and know I am still here and still living.

Living for the right reasons.

Makenzie's Christmas

2011-12-30T19:56:00.000-07:00

I hope Christmas in Heaven was the most perfect Christmas ever.

I can only imagine how Beautiful it was.

I wonder what in the world a celebration for Jesus would be like. Do they serve food? Do you even eat in Heaven? I hope so.. I cant imagine not being able to eat a steak :)

Do they decorate? What games do they play? Do they sing and dance?

I know whatever it is.

Its nothing any of us could imagine. Its bigger.

I wish I could peak in on her. I wish I could check to make sure she was to bed on time. That she was eating enough. That she was enjoying her nightly baths. Wondering how she would look. What would she love? Would she have a favorite toy. I wish I could just make sure she really is doing as amazing as I dream she is doing. I can only imagine. I just pray.

We did the decorating, presents and hugs and kisses.

Merry Merry Christmas my little Love.

I pray you had a wonderful day and gave Jesus extra kisses. Thank him for everything he has done and for giving us this day. For everyone to remember him. To realize he life we live and will continue to live is because of him. Kenzie please tell Jesus I am not mad at him anymore. It has taken me a long time. Too long. Tell him I am sorry for blaming him. I know this life was chosen. He did all he did to save her. To make it so she wouldn't have to suffer any more.

I miss you Makenzie. More than anyone could ever be missed. What I have learned is what I miss most is the love we had together. I miss you physically- so so much. But I miss what my heart would feel when you were here. I miss loving you that much. My love has not gone away. But with every bit of love, there is a little bit of hurt. Because this love I feel, is never ending. But its a love I have to send. Its a love I have to give to my daughter that I will not ever see again in this lifetime. I will never feel. I will never kiss. I am so thankful for what you gave me. As hard as any day ever is, I would never give up that life because that life- was the best life. and that Love. Is a love I will never feel for anyone else.

Merry Christmas Muffin.

I love you to the moon.

--- Christmas Still

2011-12-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

I have so much to catch up on.
my oh my.
I am having some serious delays due to being deathly ill and lacking any form of motivation.
I am trying to keep up on my blog before I forget the details but alas it is the 28th and I have already forgotten anything that has happened before this morning. Okay I don't even remember this morning.
I am getting through the days in a giant fog and finally gave in and went to the doctor this afternoon.
and what does the doc say?
Umm... You have a virus of some kind. You have way to much stress in life. You need to sleep... and your thyroid meds might be off so lets draw some blood so we can get that all worked out.
It might not have helped that literally the moment he came in the room and asked what he could help me with I had a break down and just started balling. He scooted his chair against the wall in a desperate attempt to get away from the crazy, crying mess in front of him. We had never met before so within 5.5 seconds of him even getting a glace at my face it was already buried in tears and snot. I was able to pour my soul to this doc (who by the way had really stinky breath) and he might have caught half the words I blubbered out before he offered me some prescriptions and wanted to draw my blood. Guess his way to get the crazies out of his office quick is to offers drugs :)
Well I went down the hall to get my blood drawn and the precious little girl warned me that she isn't great at drawing blood but she will try. Of course that made me tense up immediately. So I stared across the room while she SWIRLED around that damn needle. I seriously almost puked. After only 2 failed attempts she decided she was done and asked me to come back in a day or 2 for someone else to draw my blood. The poor girl felt horrible and I cant imagine trying to draw someones blood so I smiled, thanked her and left.
... Not sure if ill go back. I think I have some kind of virus but mainly I am stressed and having anxiety beyond measures. So my real fix needs to be a night alone with the hubs and maybe a hot bath. and a stiff drink never hurts.

Well anyway. enough of that. I thought while I upload a million more photos I would answer this cute little Christmas quiz while watching The Holiday. so enjoy and ill catch up on the rest of my blogging soon enough.

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate? Either...
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa has not been to our house yet. But I don't think he will be wrapping gifts for this house.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? White.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? No. I have no idea where to even get it!
5. When do you put your decorations up? In years past the weekend after Thanksgiving. This year--- The beginning of November. I couldn't wait. I wanted my tree in my house.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Turkey or Roast!
7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? Christmas story on Christmas Eve and opening Jammies
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I have no idea. I honesty don't even remember believing in him but I'm sure I did at some point.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? I have kept my tree exactly the same as it was given to me. This amazing group of girls made our tree last year for the festival of trees and some anonymous angel bought it and donated it back to us! Seriously Its a true story and I will forever treasure it. I have added our special ornaments but nothing else has moved. Its all wired on.
11. Snow! Love it or dread it? Love it. I love winter as long as there is snow. But I hate when there is no snow and its just cold.
12. Can you ice skate? Not well.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Anything from Ryan.
14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you? Being with family and bringing happiness to others
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Gingerbread cookies
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Sub for Santa/ Angel tree...
17. What tops your tree? Angel
18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving? GIVING!
19. Candy canes: are yummy.
20. Favorite Christmas show? The Grinch or Polar Express
21. Saddest Christmas song? First Lullaby/ Silent Night. Makes me cry every time thinking about Makenzie.
22. What is your favorite Christmas song? First Lullaby/ Silent Night. Makes me think of where Kenzie is.
23. What is your favorite Christmas ornament? Every single one of my angel ones.

Well that was fun. Guess Christmas is over so I can get over the festivities but for me its still Christmas until January 31st. and to be honest. I am not sure when ill take my tree down. Don't be surprised if its in our Valentine pictures.

Merry Christmas.

2011-12-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

I wish I would have worked harder on making this Christmas more about Jesus Christ and less about the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I can always learn. I can always strive to be better. There is so much going on everyday that its essential to take time out for the reason behind who we are.

I think about Mary all the time. I think about what she must have thought as she held her son. Watched her son live. Grow. and become the man he was. I cant imagine standing aside. Wanting to take away your child's pain. Wanting to do whatever you can to just make things different. Did she know what his purpose was? Did she feel God answered her prayers and heard everyone? Did she ever have fears?

In no way am I comparing my life to that of Mary or Jesus Christ. But no matter the struggle. No matter how big or small. I wonder if we all end up in the same place at one time or another. Wishing for answers, begging for prayers, hoping our Heavenly Father really knows us. Knows what is in our heart and will really answer us in his time. As angry as I have been getting with God and Jesus lately. I have to keep stepping back and remember that all the chaos of life, the frustrations and fears, the anger and hate. Isn't from them. They have not left. They are here. They know me. They are holding my Makenzie and telling me over and over that they know my path and I need to have faith in them.

It wasn't until Christmas was over that I calmed down and made myself remember this.

That I prayed to God. Telling him that he knows my wishes, he knows my heart and he knows what I am longing for. But that I am now going to wait. Wait for his timeline. Wait for his plan. It will come. Whether that means I will have the pleasure of being a Mom here on earth again or maybe I wont be.

The details of money, school, jobs, friends, relationships, cars, living arrangements, vacations... Can all be important to each of us. They can mean a lot. To a great degree we are in charge of our future. What will happen. But there comes a point that we find ourselves on a road we didn't put ourselves on. Someday we will understand why we are meant to walk this road.

But its meant for us. God has a reason and a purpose. No matter how hard things can be, he has made it so we can always get down on our knees and pray. Ask for help. and he will be there. In someway. and no matter how we might waver in life, Jesus Christ has made a way for us be whole. Be perfect and come home with a pure pure heart. To live forever with them.

In our home... We are striving to remember these things everyday. We are remembering the good. We are seeing hope. We are feeling love. We celebrated our Saviors birthday in the best way we know how. With each other, with family and with our Makenzie.

Our 2011 ornaments for Ryan, Kendra, Makenzie, Harley and our angel Gracie.

Makenzie's Purple and Pink Christmas Tree

Christmas Morning

with kids is always much better than just Ryan and I. We get a little bored watching each other open gifts we picked out ourselves :) So we headed over to my sisters for the second year to watch her adorable kids go nuts.

We hurried home to open our gifts to each other and get over to Ryan's parents for breakfast.

*yes, ryans gifts are all in camo paper and he had to open them with a knife... can you say WT*

Going from my family where there is a million of us, its always fun to go to Ryans family where things are much more mellow. but then again. That little A has more energy and a bigger personality than 5 kids put together. and with the newest addition joining us this year, it was still a very eventful day.

We were able to help 5 families this year for Christmas. Several of our family and friends came together to help collect items and wrap everything so they can wake up to something on Christmas. I thought about those families all day on Christmas hoping they had an amazing day. We also collected items to donate to our local homeless shelter. It was so nice to see the faces of those families being able to get things they need, things we all take for granted--- like socks! and be overjoyed with it all. I am so thankful for everything in our lives and for all the blessings we continue to receive. I hope and pray everyone had an amazing Christmas and was able to find peace.

Grandma Diane's Christmas Party

2011-12-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

My Mom always has such fun parties. Her annual Christmas party is one we all look forward to.

The usual food spread, The usual crowd, The usual night of endless laughs...

With the mass amount of people in our family we always draw names for the gift exchange but Grandma always buys for everyone... She puts so much energy into buying the perfect gift for everyone all year and is so excited to give it to everyone. She always does such a good job.

My Mom has this tradition that she had her whole life and passed onto all of us.

You put out a pan of raisins, pour brandy on top, light it on fire then you grab out the raisins.

Sounds a bit crazy? Yes.

Sounds like an activity a couple 8 year olds thought up?! Definitely.

But we all love it and cant wait to do it every year.

Its called the Raisin Grab.

The rest of the night was spent laughing until we fell off chairs,

Dancing until we fell of chairs,

Telling stories,

and just spending time together.

Love my family.

Pocatello Christmas

2011-12-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

We took a weekend vacation to Idaho. We wanted to getaway for a short time and we wanted to see our good friends before the holidays. We had the Mini which made for a very busy house but a very fun weekend. Gingerbread houses, Santa, Presents, Movies, Shopping, Visits, Falling asleep rather early, Yummy food, Lots of treats... Ahh... Definitely a good time.

*Little Ms. asked Santa for a bike... a BIG bike :)*

* The ride home, she read this book the entire 3 hours*

The Eve.

2011-12-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

Our only Christmas with our baby.

It was actually on December 12th.

That December 25th didn't feel like Christmas at all.

I don't even remember the last time it felt like "Christmas"

The year before Kenzie was born I guess.

I don't remember that life.

Its all a bit fuzzy.

Life really began the day she was born.

Our Christmas Eve this year was a day of working.

I came home and we opened our PJ's, watched a movie and ate a yummy dinner.

Now I just want to go to bed and never wake up.

Or wake up and have life be so much different.

No Makenzie.

No baby.

and every other detail in life completely up in the air.

Every. single. second. hurts

I want to be happy. I want to have a good Christmas.

We did a lot to help others this year.

It helped us feel better. In those moments.

But then we came home. To an empty house. To stare at each other. Both wanting the same thing.

More than anything. Praying harder than we have ever prayed.

Every second of the day I am on the verge of a complete break down. A dumb song, a mom pushing a stroller, a baby store, a Christmas outfit, presents, a movie.

Everything is screaming the same thing.

Everything is screaming at me.

Screaming Makenzie. Screaming a family.

How do I stop this?

How to I put these thoughts aside to focus on what Christmas is about. To focus on family. To focus on other people. I want to. I use every ounce of me to do that. But the hurt just wont go away.

The longing to be a Mom.

The wishing I still had my little girl in my arms.

Knowing this lifetime is taking way to long.

My body is restless.

It cant stop moving. Its like my mind is on a race and wont stop. My body is doing everything possible to keep up. To distract itself. To stop the hurting. My brain is just heavy. It can only do so much before it can only think of my baby.

I will now go to sleep early holding that blanket.

Snuggling her Dad.

Dreaming. with. her

and tomorrow ill wake up. Imagine the morning I wish we were living. and make the most of the day.

Celebrate Jesus.

Give thanks for his life.

Merry Christmas.